I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
