the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
