Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
