I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
