... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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