Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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