I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize