Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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