Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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