True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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