Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
