I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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