Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
