Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
we're so committed to being not committed
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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