I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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