She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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