I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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