If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
and you fell through a lawn chair
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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