I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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