Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
