Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
