I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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