between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
