Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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