Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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