If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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