when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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