I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
