census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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