i may or may not be watching the land before time
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Less talking, more tequila
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize