Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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