8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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