And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize