When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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