how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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