you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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