I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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