I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
