Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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