How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
