They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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