Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
