Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
