I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
