I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Randomize
