So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
