If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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