what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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