chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
