I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize