alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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