Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
