There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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