i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
