I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
