my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
