Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The adults are the big ones right?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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