we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize
