woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Are we still banned from the library?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
