I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
