Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
