if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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