the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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