He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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