I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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