I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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