Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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