and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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