It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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