just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just had sex on a roof
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
