i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
