a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
