Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
