Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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