I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
