Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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