Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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