beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
