It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
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